2012-05-15 20:03:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Last week, North Carolinians approved a constitutional amendment prohibiting gay marriage.
Because gay marriage already was illegal there, all the vote proved is that, by incorporating discrimination into its Constitution, North Carolina still clings to its antebellum roots.
On th......
2012-05-08 18:06:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I was a guest speaker at an event over the weekend and, before my speech, one of the attendees asked me how a boy from Ephrata could be such a flaming liberal.
I blame Ephrata's Fulton Street Elementary School.
In 1953-1954, the school had the temerity to be built right across the......
2012-05-01 19:50:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
A wise man, or maybe it was my Magic 8 Ball, once said, "You can't go home again," but on May 26 a group of us will try.
That's the day we will hold a neighborhood reunion for all of us who lived within the confines of Fulton, Lake, South State and East Main streets in Ephrata in the 1950......
2012-04-24 20:14:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I did my patriotic duty Tuesday — I voted.
But, more importantly, I went to my polling place and flashed my ID, therefore doing my part to end the problem of voter fraud in Pennsylvania.
Not that Pennsylvania actually has a voter-fraud problem. Of the millions of votes cast ......
2012-04-17 20:20:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Sunday was the 100th anniversary of the sinking of Titanic, a disaster that claimed, among others, zillionaire John Jacob Astor and actor Leonardo DiCaprio.
To my younger readers, no, I wasn't a passenger, nor was I around to read about the sinking in the newspapers.
I commemorate......
2012-04-10 20:24:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Sometimes Christians come up with strange ideas about God's goodness.
Before I get a lot of nasty-grams suggesting I am a heathen, let me state at the outset that I am a member of a UCC church in Ephrata, which I attend on a regular basis.
OK, maybe it's more of an irregular basis......
2012-04-03 20:47:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
In the 1932 movie "Horse Feathers," Groucho Marx sang, "Whatever it is, I'm against it."
The day after the 2008 election, congressional Republicans adopted "whatever it is, I'm against it" as their refrain, to be sung every time President Barack Obama came up with an idea.
Any ide......
2012-03-27 21:52:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
After 244 years, Encyclopedia Britannica has decided to stop printing its multivolume set of books. Instead, Britannica will concentrate on its online version, which, if you want to subscribe, will cost you 70 bucks a year.
Makes ...
2012-03-20 21:39:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Over the weekend, I performed one of my favorite household chores — "summerizing" my front porch.
By "summerizing," I mean I brought outside all the summer porch furniture that I stored in the basement last fall, and now I am ready to enjoy sitting on my porch swing and watching the......
2012-03-13 19:48:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I'm concerned about Mitt Romney. He's supposed to be the GOP's main man, the top guy, the front-runner. Except he's having a heck of a time running in front!
It seems that during the primaries everybody, at one time or another, has polled ahead of him — Rick Perry, Michele Bachmann,......
2012-03-09 14:59:00
CAROLE DECK
"'Band of Brothers' is a history lesson for all generations," said Steve Loewen, president of the New Holland Area Historical Society. For that reason, the historical society will present the Emmy award-winning HBO miniseries at The Ritz on Main Tuesday evenings for five weeks beginning Marc......
2012-03-06 20:36:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Tom Burkholder, the funniest guy ever to swirl the soft ice cream atop a tasty cone, died last week.
His name probably doesn't mean much to many of you, but New Holland folks know of whom I'm writing.
Tom and his wife, Shirley, owned the old New Holland Twin Kiss for many years. A......
2012-02-28 21:19:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I am shocked.
No, I am appalled.
I am both shocked and appalled.
It has just come to my attention that an insidious organization aimed at undermining our valued American way of life has been working openly right under our noses.
With more than 2 million uniformed m......
2012-02-21 22:36:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Last week this newspaper published a photograph of an astronaut on the International Space Station shaking hands with Robonaut, in what was dubbed "the first handshake ever between a human and a humanoid in space."
Wow! I didn't even know we still had people on the Space Station, let alon......
2012-02-14 19:34:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Recently, I saw a police report about two 11-year-old Lebanon boys who were charged with criminal trespassing for, officers said, climbing onto the roof of an empty building.
One of the boys fell off and was treated at a hospital and released; the other became trapped on a second-floor ba......
2012-02-07 20:36:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I feel bad for my Republican friends. (Yes! I have Republican friends, whether or not they admit it!)
Besides having to suffer through a primary that smacks of an elementary school playground dispute — "You did." "I did not." "Yes, you did." "Did not; you did." "No, I didn't." "......
2012-01-31 19:59:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Anyone who has consulted the Chinese wall calendar hanging in his or her home — and who among us doesn't have one — knows that Jan. 23 marked the start of the Year of the Dragon.
It's called the Year of the Dragon because it is way cooler than just saying 2012. In fairness, th......
2012-01-24 20:49:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
It's January again, and you longtime readers know what that means.
Yes, in a few days I will advance one year closer to geezerhood.
Move over, Methuselah.
Birthdays used to be fun, with gifts and parties at which my friends and I could wrestle on the living room floor of m......
2012-01-17 23:28:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Finally, some exciting political news.
Last week, Stephen Colbert, star of Comedy Central's "The Colbert Report," announced that he was "exploring" the possibility of running for, as he said, "president of the United States of South Carolina."
Why not? Even though Colbert isn't on......
2012-01-10 22:29:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I am trying to come to grips with the deaths of three friends in as many weeks.
The first was Donna, a Civil War re-enactor I've known since 1989. Donna, a Virginia lass, was a battlefield angel for our "soldiers" as we amused ourselves by donning wool uniforms and standing in long straig......
2012-01-03 21:15:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
You have to question the common sense possessed by the people who run things in this country, whether it's in government or business.
During the first half of my working career, I was employed in the printing industry, bouncing around to different local companies, mostly as a proofreader.......
2011-12-27 22:51:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Christmas is over and most of us seem to have escaped unscathed, although there were a few holiday casualties, mostly occurring last month on Black Friday.
Eager for early Christmas bargains, a throng of shoppers at a Target store in West Virginia had to face the inconvenience of stepping......
2011-12-20 22:03:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
After last week's column about my lack of Christmas spirit, I received an e-mail from the National Christmas Center along Route 30 near Paradise. Signed by Santa Jr., it said my column had saddened him.
Terrific. Not only was I not in the holiday mood, but now I had depressed Santa Claus!......
2011-12-13 20:20:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I'm feeling somewhat Ebenezer Scroogeish this holiday season.
No, I don't wish that all of the poor would be sent to prisons or workhouses, or would die and decrease the surplus population. That's the job of Congress.
I'm just slow at getting into the Christmas spirit. My wife is,......
2011-12-06 22:33:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
If you're sitting around and wondering how much your taxes might rise next year if the payroll tax cut isn't extended, check out this site: www.whitehouse.gov/economy/jobsact/calculator.
It's easy to use. J......
2011-11-29 20:13:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
While in line at the grocery store checkout, I scanned the magazines on the rack. Each one announced some new celebrity scandal in letters large enough that I felt guilty when I realized that I didn't care.
The cover that bothered me most was People magazine's announcement of its "2011's ......
2011-11-22 21:04:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I was at my local pharmacy recently where I was refilling some of the prescription medications we aging people need to ingest in order to survive long enough to enter a drooling, vegetative state at some nursing home. While there, I found myself in the cold and flu aisle.
These days it se......
2011-11-15 20:58:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Last week I expressed gratitude that no one had been shot while voting, citing a man in Conestoga Township who fretted over not being allowed to take his gun along to the polling place.
I got varied feedback on the column, including......
2011-11-08 19:53:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
It's Election Day 2011, and as I write this column, I'm happy to report that, so far, nobody who has gone out to vote in Conestoga Township has been shot.
In fact, I'd go so far as to say no one has been shot at any polling place in any township in the entire county. Or any borough, for t......
2011-11-01 20:24:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Halloween may be over, but there are still plenty of things out there that scare us, whether it's our favorite horror film or the imaginary creatures that live in a child's closet or that certain relative (we all have them) whose presence is about as welcome as a tax audit.
For me, the mo......
2011-10-25 19:31:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Halloween is one of my favorite times of year, mainly because the holiday allows you to scare people.
There are other scary days of the year, to be sure, with April 15 being one of the most frightening. But that's the Internal Revenue Service's turn to scare the bejeebers out of us, so it......
2011-10-18 20:21:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
The Occupy Wall Street movement has finally made it to Lancaster and all I can say is, "it's about time."
It's invigorating to see the middle and working classes, who have rolled over and played dead since the Nixon era ended in 1974, latch on to social injustices such as huge job losses ......
2011-10-11 21:00:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
It was on this day in 1492, just after lunch, that Christopher Columbus (supposedly) discovered America, although history does not record just who had mislaid America in the first place.
Fast forward 500 years to Monday, the Columbus Day national holiday.
So tell me, by a show of ......
2011-10-05 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I was sitting on my porch swing agonizing over a topic for this week's column when a truck rumbled by carrying a load of coal, and I thought, "Wow. God works in mysterious, even humorous, ways." Coal looms large in my life, transporting me to an era when people burned it ......
2011-09-27 19:43:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
In these trying times of political and economic strife, it puffs me up with pride to see that our House of Representatives in Washington, D.C., is working hard to make this nation safe for large, scary snakes.
In a report by GOP members of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committ......
2011-09-20 19:21:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
It's fair season, that time of year when we Lancaster countians visit our local fairs for three, four or even five days of fun, excitement and food packed with enough calories to power an aircraft carrier around the globe six times.
Fair season, much like the Christmas season, provides a ......
2011-09-13 21:04:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
It's a sure sign that I'm (rapidly) aging: I find the things young people do to be progressively more peculiar.
For example, I don't understand the infatuation with tattoos, which are, to quote Charles Emerson Winchester on the TV show M.A.S.H., "the poor man's investment in art." Add to ......
2011-09-06 22:47:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Sarah Palin was in Iowa over the weekend, where she once again did not announce her candidacy for President of the United States. And yet the media fawned all over her.
I don't get it. I've been to Iowa and the press never flocked around me even though, just like Palin, I wasn't running f......
2011-08-30 22:12:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
It's the start of the new school year, mom and dad, so drop the kids at school and then go home, heave a big sigh, pour yourself a 10-ounce glass of Scotch and collapse in front of the TV in your underwear.
You deserve it.
I don't know how today's kids feel about it, but as a boy ......
2011-08-23 21:08:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Today we're going to learn how to make a light and fluffy soufflé, so any police officers reading this might want to skip it and go right to the comics and check out Garfield. The rest of you, grab your spatulas.
I'll wait. …
(Pause)
Are the cops gone? Good. ......
2011-08-16 20:08:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Technology has given us all types of terrific innovations, from The Clapper to powerful laptop computers from which I could inadvertently launch a B-52 bomber strike on Quarryville if I hit a wrong button.
Today, with a push of our remote controls, we can watch two TV shows at the same ti......
2011-08-09 20:06:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
If you read the Letters section of this newspaper, you know that last week I picked up another supporter for my potential presidential campaign. That's pretty close to a dozen. The campaign is a veritable steamrolle......
2011-08-02 19:59:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
One of my favorite 1960s TV shows was "The Invaders."
In it, David Vincent (played by Roy Thinnes) — lost on a back road and "looking for a shortcut he never found," the narrator dramatically tells us — discovers that aliens disguised as humans are invading Earth.
Vinc......
2011-07-26 21:31:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I don't know who invented air conditioning, but after the weather we've been having for the past week or so, I know I speak for millions when I say we love the guy and would be willing to have his children.
Every summer those lovable folks in the Gulf Coast states, where the air is so hum......
2011-07-19 20:25:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Cheerios breakfast cereal turned 70 this year. Introduced in 1941, it became General Mills' top-selling breakfast food in 1951, the year I was born.
That was not a coincidence.
As a boy, I thrived on Cheerios. I ate them for breakfast, as a snack and at night. I'd have eaten Cheer......
2011-07-12 23:20:00
Larry Alexander
As you know, I'm considering a presidential run. After all, looking at the 2012 field, what's one more unqualified candidate? In these tough economic times, a candidate must have a budget plan that cuts costs and reduces spending without further burdening an already overburdened America....
2011-07-05 23:54:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Last week, this newspaper published a letter from a reader concerning the late Maj. Dick Winters, a Lancaster County hero.
The reader noted "the unsuccessful efforts to nominate Mr. Winters for the Medal of ......
2011-06-28 21:41:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
A few weeks ago I vented over high gas prices and the inconsistency of prices at the pump. The very same day that column ran prices began dropping! No need to thank me. I'm just doing my service to humanity.
And speaking of humanity, I'm probably the only member of that great race who fee......
2011-06-21 20:11:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
It's said that our country's future leaders are forged in college. If my own experience is any indication of the truth of that, this nation is in serious trouble.
After my recent reunion with my college roommate, Al, I couldn't help but reflect on our freshmen days at Harrisburg Area......
2011-06-14 21:27:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I find that the older I get, the more nostalgic I'm becoming, and that's probably true of most people my age. Perhaps that's because we have more years behind us than ahead of us, so there are more memories being crammed inside brains that, scientists say, are shrinking as we age. So, naturally, ......
2011-06-07 17:32:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
On June 6, 1944, during the D-Day invasion of Europe, Lancaster-born Lt. Richard Winters led 12 men from Easy Company, 506th Parachute Infantry Regiment, 101st Airborne, in an attack against four German artillery pieces entrenched near a Normandy farm called Brécourt Manor.
Through......
2011-05-31 22:43:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Good news! Last week, Harold Camping, who promised that the Rapture would occur on May 21 and that all true believers would be taken up into the sky, leaving the rest of us here on Earth to face a possible Sarah Palin presidency, said the Rapture had, in fact, occurred.
Whew! I thought I'......
2011-05-24 23:18:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I guess it's back to the drawing board, Harry.
According to Harry Camping, Saturday was supposed to be the start of the Rapture, when God returns to Earth to take all the believers up into the sky while leaving the rest of us (note, I said "us") behind.
According to the 89-year-ol......
2011-05-17 18:16:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Buying gas can be traumatic.
Last week, I pulled into an Ephrata-area convenience store — which I won't name but will simply refer to as Perky Hill — and it was selling regular gas for $3.86 per gallon. (It was actually $3.85 and nine-tenths of a cent per gallon, but try going......
2011-05-10 20:21:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I'm trying to think of all the wonderful things we'd miss if Al Gore hadn't invented the Internet.
For example, we wouldn't receive unsolicited emails telling us, "Hi, I'm Kandy, and I want to show you photos of myself." We also wouldn't hear from people who are offering medications to en......
2011-05-03 23:20:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I'm very concerned.
Ever since President Barack Obama showed the world his long-form birth certificate from Hawaii — proving once and for all that he was born (surprise!!!) in the United States — I have been plagued by a nagging thought:
Who will Donald Trump accuse ne......
2011-04-27 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Amid the gloomy news about the economy,vanishing jobs and the thought that Donald Trump could become president, there is a bright spot — the royal wedding will soon be over. Yes! Just a few more days and the royal family will be out of our minds, at least until the couple start ha......
2011-04-19 21:20:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Sometimes it feels as if life is passing me by.
Take 4G cellphones, for example. I am seeing more and more commercials claiming that if you don't own a 4G phone, your value as a person is somewhere below pond scum.
Well, I have a cellphone, and it's not 4G. It's not 3G, or even 2G......
2011-04-12 20:14:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
There comes a time in each of our lives when we must face the fact that we are growing old — that we must put aside the frivolity of our youth and move forward into our sunset years with dignity and maturity.
Someday I just might do that.
Actually, I fear it might be startin......
2011-04-05 23:48:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
It's Monday, and I shouldn't be writing this column today because I'm a little groggy.
I know some of you are thinking, "That's new?!"
But this is not the grogginess I usually display; this grogginess is medically-induced.
You see, earlier today I underwent what is euphemi......
2011-03-29 21:09:00
Larry Alexander
When I began this column in 1993, I seldom poked fun at politicians because they tended to act rationally — at least by politician standards. But in today's extreme partisan atmosphere, a humor writer trying to be nonpolitical is like a minister trying to be nonreligious. Bite your ton......
2011-03-22 23:32:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Every morning at 9 a.m., my wife and I drop everything we're doing and listen for the train whistle. No, not the train: the train whistle.
The whistle comes not from a nearby railroad crossing — there are no nearby railroad crossings around Ephrata anymore — but from ......
2011-03-15 22:04:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Recently, I told you that I plan to run for president in 2012.
My platform will call for moderation and common sense on all issues (radical as that might sound), and my campaign slogan is, "Don't drink the tea!"
Since then, thousands of people have asked me — well, not direc......
2011-03-08 21:47:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Attention Gov. Tom Corbett: I know it's budget time and you're busy giving tax breaks to oil and gas companies while sticking it to the rest of us, but I have something that needs your immediate attention.
We need a new state license plate.
For more than 10 years, we Pennsylvanian......
2011-03-01 17:56:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I was visiting with a friend recently when, without warning, he filled a glass with tap water and gulped it down.
That set off my gag reflex, for I am a bottled water drinker.
I hear all you hoity-toity tap-water drinkers out there guffawing, and you're probably wondering why I do......
2011-02-22 21:07:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
The following is a public service announcement.
If you drive through Earl Township in bad weather, please take care and obey the strict rules. Two police reports, both concerning accidents that took place Feb. 6 on icy roads there, caught my eye.
In one, a vehicle slid in......
2011-02-15 21:40:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
It's time again for me to don my director's beanie and fill you in on what's hot in bad movies.
This week, your favorite film reviewer will dip into his mailbag to see what you, the reader, want to know about atrocious movie plots.
Dear Favorite Reviewer: I am int......
2011-02-08 20:38:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Hey, Octoraro Orphie, you're pulling my leg!
As you might recall, Groundhog Day was gray and dismal, yet you claim to have seen your shadow.
You oversized hamster! There is no way in Hellam (a township in York County, population about 6,000) that you saw your shadow. I am consider......
2011-02-01 19:46:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Last week I reached one of those milestones that most of us have in our lives, a moment when you feel a dramatic shift in your personal timeline:
I turned 60.
I recall feeling old when I turned 50 and I received the dreaded invitation to join American Association of Retired People......
2011-01-25 19:52:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Time for another look at recent news items. (No, I do not make up these events. My medication prevents that.)
Members of Congress have been making a lot of noise — not that their making noise is anything new — about eliminating earmarks as a way to reduce spending.
Ear......
2011-01-18 20:58:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
In 1899, Charles H. Duell, commissioner of the U.S. Patent Office, reportedly suggested to President William McKinley that the patent office be closed because, he said, "Everything that can be invented has been invented."
Duell obviously had never heard of the "Yankee ingenuity" that has ......
2011-01-11 21:53:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Let me be the first to officially announce my candidacy for President of the United States in 2012.
My campaign will change the face of politics in America and may, if I'm lucky, lead one day to having my likeness printed on U.S. currency.
To start with, I will run as neither a Re......
2011-01-10 21:25:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Staff writer Larry Alexander is the author of "Biggest Brother," a biography of Richard "Dick" Winters published in 2005 by NAL Caliber.
•••
Standing by the grave of Major Richard D. Winters on Sunday, gazing at ......
2011-01-04 19:26:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Let's start off the new year with a look at some news items from 2010.
Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner, age 84, got engaged to Crystal Harris, a 24-year-old former Playmate of the Month.
Think about that. Hef is probably older than his mother-in-law. How do you think that goe......
2010-12-28 21:48:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
A bell tolled once as a mysterious hooded spirit plucked me away from "The Jerry Springer Show" just as some guy was about to admit to his girlfriend that he was having an affair with a space alien.
Together, the spirit and I whisked forward to the year 2025.
In Washington, D......
2010-12-21 19:51:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
These crazy Christmas ghosts are starting to drive me nuts. Just when I got settled in after last week's jaunt back to the Eisenhower era, I was rudely snatched up again by some screwball spirit decked out in holiday gift wrap with ......
2010-12-14 23:18:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Call me Ebenezer Scrooge if you wish, but Christmas just doesn't jazz me the way it once did.
In fact, some holiday traditions leave me muttering, "Bah, humbug."
For example, there was a time when Christmas season began after Thanksgiving. Today, Christmas decorations compete with......
2010-12-08 00:02:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Today marks the 30th anniversary of the death of John Lennon.
Memory is a funny thing. I don't recall putting on my trousers this morning (although I'm sure that I did), but I recall with crystal clarity where I was Dec. 8, 1980, when I heard of Lennon's murder, which occurred outside his......
2010-11-30 20:22:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Verizon recently announced that the phone book it will distribute a year from now will not include residential listings, unless specifically requested, to which I say, "Then why bother?"
I have not used the Verizon phone book for the past several years for two excellent reasons. First, I ......
2010-11-24 00:15:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
(Part two of two. Read part one.)
As the American Civil War (1861 to the present) raged, President Abraham "Honest Abe" Lincoln declared Thanksgiving would be observed on the third Thursday in November.
He a......
2010-11-16 20:04:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Thanksgiving.
What does it mean to Americans? That's easy: Four-day weekend.
But what did Thanksgiving mean to our forefathers? Or to Prehistoric Man, who didn't understand the concept of "November?"
These are important questions as the holiday approaches, but if you're se......
2010-11-09 20:04:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
It was midautumn 1964 when I went on my first date, and it wasn't even my idea. The occasion was a hayride, and a girl named Judy asked me to accompany her. Sounds romantic, huh?
It could've been. Picture it: It's a brisk fall night, the moon is big and bright and the girl is pretty. Unfo......
2010-11-02 20:08:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
The midterm election is over, and no one was shot.
Consider that as we ponder a recent news story about an elections official who wanted the county commissioners to pass a resolution barring voters from carrying guns into polling places. The commissioners deftly ducked the issue.
......
2010-10-26 20:18:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Just in time for trick-or-treat night, I received a news release announcing "full-figured Halloween costumes." Isn't that nice? Now we increasingly rotund baby boomers can, once again, dress up in scary outfits and terrify young and old alike.
I'm going to dress up as Glenn Beck.
......
2010-10-19 22:29:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Before we start this week's column, let me address some issues from past ramblings.
On Sept. 1, I suggested to Lancaster Mayor Rick Gray that the city raise some much-needed money by eliminating the "Walk" and "Don't Walk" flashers from its traffic signals and selling them.
My log......
2010-10-12 20:40:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
It's time again for the movie review column that asks the question, What would actor Tommy Kirk do if he was asked to star in "Mars Needs Women II"?
Would he: a) Jump at the chance to get back into films, b) Say, "Let me think it over," or, c) Say, "No thank you."
If you saw him i......
2010-10-06 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
It's almost that time of year again, when hideous beings ooze up from the stinking bowels of the earth to stalk the night and spread evil, causing the souls of good men and women to rot. No, I'm not referring to Halloween. That's much less terrifying. I'm talking......
2010-09-28 19:52:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me if I was going to write a column this week about the Ephrata Fair, I'd be able to afford an evening at that posh strip club that some Republican National Committee staffer enjoyed.
In truth, I had planned to write about the annual fair, bu......
2010-09-21 19:48:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Time again for the movie-review column that asks the question, "Why me?"
Today we will look at a piece of Limburger cheese from Germany. The film, dubbed into English in 1962, is titled "Horrors of Spider Island." (The "Horror" here is not the spiders so much as the plot.)
The fil......
2010-09-14 20:13:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
If for some reason you want my autograph, this would be a good week to get it because I will soon be so famous that I'll have to charge a fee, much like those millionaire baseball players.
At 9 p.m. Sunday, I will be featured on an hourlong television program. It will be aired on Pennsylv......
2010-09-07 20:09:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Every year when school opens, it takes me back — in my case, way, way back — to my own school days and the four R's: Readin', 'riting, 'rithmetic and, my favorite, recess.
As students at Fulton Street Elementary School in Ephrata, we had four recesses per day. We romped o......
2010-08-31 20:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
We start today's column with a helpful note to Lancaster Mayor Rick Gray.Rick, I know Lancaster is hurting for money to pay the salaries of its employees and to keep services up and running, so here's a cost-saving suggestion: Remove the "Walk" and "Don't Walk&qu......
2010-08-24 21:27:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I was sitting in my car, watching the state inspection and emissions testing stickers peel themselves off my windshield, when it occurred to me, "Can't we even make good glue in this country anymore?"When it came to industry, we used to be The Big Dog. During World War II, ou......
2010-08-17 20:13:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
It's time once again for What Stinks in Hollywood, the movie-review column that dares to scrutinize films that guys such as Roger Ebert and Leonard Maltin would never touch, mostly because they don't have to, even though they're paid more than I.This week we look at "The P......
2010-08-10 20:14:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
It's about time someone took a stand and cracked down on illegal business practices.I'm referring, of course, to the Multnomah County, Oregon, health inspector who came down hard on 7-year-old Julie Murphy after she had the audacity to set up a lemonade stand at an arts fair. The i......
2010-08-03 22:29:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Last week I chastised the parents of 16-year-old Abby Sunderland for letting her attempt to sail solo around the world, a cruise that nearly came to grief when her boat foundered on the Indian Ocean.The same day that column ran, the paper had a story about a 14-year-old Dutch girl, Laura D......
2010-07-27 21:00:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Oh no, not another one!In April 2009, Texas Gov. Rick Perry raged against passage of President Barack Obama's health care plan, saying it might lead Texas to secede from the Union. Fifteen months later, people are still laughing at Perry.Not to be outdone by a Texan, now Congres......
2010-07-21 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
In an effort to increase revenues, I'm now selling advertising space, so this week's column is sponsored by the Committee to Elect Tom Corbett Governor. (Check us out at www.ihatetheunemployed.com.) When you write a humor column, everyone assumes you are one heck of a fun guy, willing to do ......
2010-07-13 19:48:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I was on vacation last week, and it was a great time to be off because the weather was perfect, provided you were an astronaut training to land on the surface of the sun.But for the rest of us here on Earth, it was scorching-hot and miserable.Plus, there was LeBron James.Yes,......
2010-07-06 19:53:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Time again for "Something's Rotten in Hollywood," the movie-review column that dares to ask the question, "Did people really go to a theater and pay good money to see these turkeys?"Today, we look at a story ripped from the pages of history — provided......
2010-06-29 20:11:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Were you on the road during one of last week's storms? I was, and it was like driving under Niagara Falls, only the downpour was harder.We don't have normal thunderstorms anymore. Now they all pack high winds, hail and driving rain. They down trees and power lines, and they cause flooding.......
2010-06-22 21:24:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Reality shows are all the rage on TV these days, and for a simple reason: producers can create a show that may or may not become very popular, with minimal risk.After all, there's little capital outlay, no sets to build, no scriptwriters to pay, no costumes and no talented cast to hire......
2010-06-15 20:39:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Welcome to today's collection of random thoughts from me, the Ayatollah of Random Thinking.I've been giving a lot of thought of late to the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Not on how to stop the flow of oil pouring into the Gulf daily. I have absolutely no idea how to stop it, whi......
2010-06-08 21:40:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Back in 1991, when I was starting out as a reporter, my first beat was Brecknock Township.Now if you think covering township meetings in a rural community such as Brecknock sounds about as exciting as an Al Gore speech, you're new to the area.In those days, the township was run ......
2010-06-01 22:18:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Say it ain't so, James.CNN recently reported that release of the 23rd James Bond movie is on hold because MGM is having financial problems.Why can studios release films like the new "Sex and the City" (which, like the original, will be seen by about 3 million peop......
2010-05-25 20:51:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
It's a dangerous job, but somebody has to do it.I suspect that was the thinking of law-enforcement officers as they approached the suspect's house in Elizabethtown.Protected by Kevlar vests and riot helmets, with some officers carrying assault weapons, they steeled ......
2010-05-18 21:54:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Have you ever been bored and said to yourself, "I want to watch a truly bad movie. But which bad movie?"I wish someone could advise me on the worst of filmdom."Well, fret no more. Today I offer my first entry in an occasional series of film reviews of Hollywood's ......
2010-05-13 21:47:00
STAFF REPORT
An editor, five writers and reporters, two photographers and an online journalist whose work appeared in the Intelligencer Journal/Lancaster New Era in 2009 have won awards in statewide journalism contests.Awards sponsored by the Pennsylvania Associated Press Managing Editors will be prese......
2010-05-11 22:05:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Let me see if I have this straight:Arizona passed a law that requires police to check into someone's legal right to be in this country if the officer has a "reasonable suspicion" that the person might be an illegal immigrant.The police hate it. The Obama administration......
2010-05-04 20:47:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I am deeply flattered.My column, I recently learned, is read by people in Kansas.By "people in Kansas," I'm referring to members of Westboro Baptist Church.After our newspaper's coverage of the group's no-show at Millersville University — its ......
2010-04-27 20:47:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I underwent a physical exam last week, and when it came time to pay the bill, rather than write a check, I handed my doctor a chicken. My doctor examined the chicken, handed it back to me, and charged me for a second office visit.Evidently, my doctor wasn't listening when Sue Lowden, who h......
2010-04-20 22:03:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
We delay the start of this column to bring you the following public service announcement:Hey, all you dum-dums who can't tell a flowerpot from a Dumpster: Those pots lining curbs in downtown Lancaster are for plants, not your garbage. If you need a trash receptacle, try those ......
2010-04-13 22:25:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I'm almost disappointed that the Rev. Fred Phelps and his wacky congregation didn't make it to Lancaster County on Monday.Notice I said "almost."I've been taking shots at this bozo for so many years that it would've been interesting to see his cockeyed vers......
2010-04-07 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Spring is here. That means winter, where all we do is gripe about the snow and sleet, is behind us, and we look forward to the summer — where all we do is gripe about the heat and humidity. There are several sure signs that winter is over. The first, of course, is the sudden upsurge in......
2010-03-30 18:04:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Last week's ramblings about Davy Crockett got me thinking about another staple of my childhood — clubs.Do kids form clubs anymore, or is it a lost art?When I was a kid, we were big on clubs, and I'm not talki......
2010-03-24 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
We baby boomers suffered a major loss last week with the passing of actor Fess Parker.First, I was saddened. Next I was astounded by the fact that his name was actually Fess. Lastly, I was appalled by the CNN writer who, in Parker's obituary, wrote that he was "best known" fo......
2010-03-17 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Today I will prove that real life is stranger than this column.Did you read about the 18-year-old high school girl from Mississippi who wanted to bring her girlfriend to her prom?Not only was she not allowed to do that, but officials at Itawamba Agricultural High School in Fulton (m......
2010-03-10 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
A great philosopher, perhaps Socrates or Plato, or maybe even Snoopy, once said that a person's eyes are the gateway to the soul. That may be true, but these days, if you go up to a person and gaze steadily into their eyes, the person may bore a new gateway into your soul by shooting you with......
2010-03-03 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I'm sick and tired of snow.There! You heard it here! From the guy who has always loved winter.What further evidence is there that I am getting old? And I am old. I'm 59. By the time great men like Abraham Lincoln and Babe Ruth were 59, they had been dead for a number of year......
2010-02-24 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Longtime readers of this column know that I have zero tolerance for schools that practice zero tolerance with their students, especially when a reaction to an incident reaches the level of blithering idiocy.I direct you to a recent report on CNN concerning 12-year-old Alexa Gonzalez, who a......
2010-02-17 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
February is the month when we celebrate the birthdays of two of our greatest presidents, Abraham Lincoln and George Washington.Or at least we used to do that.There was a time when we workers got both Feb. 12 (Lincoln's birthday) and Feb. 22 (Washington's birthday) off as pai......
2010-02-10 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
The other day I watched as my wife balled up newspaper pages. The intent was for the children at the after-school program where she works to throw them in a harmless indoor "snowball" battle.Naturally, I thought: Why use paper "faux balls" when the children could go out......
2010-02-03 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
In this era of the Internet, newspapers must take bold and dramatic steps to quicken their reporting.And nothing illustrates that fact better than this: Lancaster Newspapers wants to teach me how to post stories on its Web site.That's correct. My newspaper wants me to learn some......
2010-01-27 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Just a few personal observations.To those of you who invite me to converse on Facebook or Twitter, be aware. I am not ignoring you. It's just that I seldom Facebook and I never, ever Twitter. I'm an old geezer. Whaddya want?•••...
2010-01-20 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Last week, I received an e-mail from Vice President Joe Biden.I don't mean to suggest it was from Joe personally, for he has far more important things to do than send e-mails to lowlife taxpayers such as me. (For example, as vice president, Joe has to wake up bright and early each morn......
2010-01-13 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Last Friday, Elvis — wherever he is — turned 75.Oh, there are naysayers who suggest that Elvis can't be anywhere, and they use lame reasons such as, "He died in 1977."But I say, "Prove it."I have long suspected that Elvis, wanting desperate......
2010-01-06 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
It is Sunday, Jan. 3, 2010, and as I listen to the wind outside try to blow my house clear to Oz, I have but one thought in mind."No! I've had three weeks off. I don't wanna go back to work tomorrow. No! No! Waaahhhh … ."No, wait! That's not what I'm......
2009-12-30 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Tomorrow is New Year's Eve, when we will usher in 2010 with a festive night of parties and behavior that many of us would never display under normal conditions, by which I mean if we were sober.Over the years, New Year's Eve has come to mean different things to me depending upon wh......
2009-12-23 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
NORTH POLE — Let's look in on Santa Claus as he prepares to break international law by flying all around the world in one night without going through security checkpoints.Getting here to the North Pole was no easy feat. With the down economy, I had to search the Internet for the ......
2009-12-16 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
What holiday present, you ask, should I get for that person who has everything?Then you slap yourself on the head (after making sure you're not holding anything in your hand that might cause injury) and say, "Of course! A Viking helmet!"But where can you get a Viking h......
2009-12-09 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
All right, holiday shoppers, let's look at offbeat Christmas gift ideas, courtesy of Hammacher Schlemmer.Let's start with the video camera pen. This ballpoint pen has a camera lens in its pocket clip and a microphone in its barrel. Now, for the paltry sum of $129.95, you can invade......
2009-12-02 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Santa Claus is coming to town.What town, you ask? Name one.Every city and town in America probably has its own Santa Claus. In fact, if you took all the Santas in the country and stacked them up along the U.S./Mexico border, they'd form a wall that illegal immigrants could never......
2009-11-25 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
After the last nationwide Thanksgiving celebration in 1815, individual states continued to observe the holiday pretty much whenever they felt like it.In November 1863, amid the American Civil War (1861 to the present), President Abraham "Honest Abe" Lincoln declared that a nation......
2009-11-18 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Thanksgiving.What does it mean to us as Americans? That's easy: a four-day weekend.But what did Thanksgiving mean to our founding fathers? What did Thanksgiving mean to the Pilgrims? And what did Thanksgiving mean to Prehistoric Man? (Nothing. He couldn't speak English. What's wrong......
2009-11-11 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I hate it when someone I consider a social icon — someone who helped mold my character and make me the person I am today — passes away and their death gets little notice, by which I mean no flags at half-staff.I refer here to the death of Soupy Sales, the genius who, for m......
2009-11-04 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
This week, let's focus on recent national and local news stories because, quite frankly, folks, I can't dream up this stuff.First, we had that Northwest Airlines flight that overshot an airport in Minneapolis, Minn., by 150 miles.I don't know about you, but when I am on ......
2009-10-28 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Friday is Trick or Treat Night across Lancaster County. From 6 to 8 p.m., children will go door-to-door dressed in the silly costumes of a clown, Spider-Man or a Supreme Court justice.Are county officials kidding? What child is capable of covering enough homes to obtain tons of candy in ju......
2009-10-21 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
It's nice to know that America isn't the only country where clueless politicians come up with screwball ideas.Don't get me wrong, our government leaders have goofball ideas aplenty. How else can you explain trade legislation that allows U.S. industries to ship jobs overseas so ......
2009-10-14 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Today's topic is knees, those parts of your leg that are a major source of football injuries.Sports commentator: Jingleheimer takes the snap and he fades back. He's looking deep for a receiver. He avoids one tackler. Now he avoids another tackler, and he's runn......
2009-10-07 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
This week we will review big stories in the news, which is where I always turn when I am totally out of column ideas.I see that Lancaster General wants to build a hospital near Ephrata, about a mile from my front door. That would be handy because, currently, my closest hospital is......
2009-09-30 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I am becoming my grandfather.No, I'm not doing the Norman Bates thing of dressing like him and going around looking for women to stab in the shower. I mean in more subtle ways that do not require smoking unfiltered Camel cigarettes.When I went to live with my grandparents in 195......
2009-09-23 00:00:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
As you read this, I am at the Ephrata Fair.OK, if you're reading this at 7 a.m., I'm not at the fair. I'm probably asleep. But I'll be at the fair later.One of Lancaster County's finest traditions, even better than Fasnacht Day, is the local fair. So, as a lifelong Ephrata boy, for ......
2009-09-16 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Well, the cat's really out of the bag now. Last week, Jon Gosselin announced on "Good Morning America" that he loves his girlfriend, Hailey Glassman, "more than I did Kate."Thus, the comic-opera saga of "Jon & Kate Plus Eight" goes on. And on, and on, ......
2009-09-09 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I'm so excited. Wedding Central is now available from some cable TV providers; it's weddings, dating and relationships 24/7.Can TV get any better?Excitement-wise, it's right up there with C-SPAN and the Golf Channel.Having survived my daughter's nuptials last ......
2009-09-02 00:02:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I'm becoming forgetful. I was cleaning out old e-mails and came across one from Freshpair.com, an underwear retailer, announcing that Aug. 5 was National Underwear Day. It totally slipped my mind. I didn't even get my Happy Underwear Day......
2009-08-26 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
There are some things I will not do.For example, I refuse to go into a Starbucks coffee shop and order a "grande"- or "venti"-sized drink. I much prefer the words medium or large as opposed to Klingon or whatever language Starbucks uses.On the other hand, when it......
2009-08-19 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
You long-time readers doubtless know that when I am not busy writing this column or a news story that includes such gripping words as "sewage module" or "storm-water retention basin," I am writing actual books.Yes, spending my free time writing is like Tiger Woods takin......
2009-08-12 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
On Nov. 3, 1964, Edward Mukaka Nkoloso, director of the Zambia National Academy of Space Research (really!), was quoted as saying he expected to have Zambian astronauts on the moon by 1965.His launching system was "derived from the catapult," he said, and he was preparing astrona......
2009-08-05 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
When the Russians beat us into space in 1957 with the launch of Sputnik, America took the setback with stoic grace and calmness. Not!America is the birthplace of overreaction, and we had doomsayers such as John Reinhart, of Smithsonian Astrophysical Observatory, telling us, "No matter......
2009-07-29 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Unless you are one of those conspiracy-theory wackos who thinks it never happened, July 20 marked the 40th anniversary of the first moon landing.Like millions worldwide, I recall sitting in front of the TV that Sunday night, watching Neil Armstrong come down the ladder and take that first ......
2009-07-22 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I care about you, my loyal readers, which is why I search far and wide to bring you items that are not just newsworthy, but reflect the proud heritage of Lancaster County.Which is why today's topic is outhouse racing.To cover this popular event, I ventured to Terre Hill and the ......
2009-07-15 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Among the requirements for being a columnist is to be observant, for it is from everyday life that I gather my material. And if life fails to provide, I make stuff up.But usually life comes through.For example, I see from our letters to the editor that people feel the death and fune......
2009-07-13 10:00:00
LORI VAN INGEN
Joanne Horst is slowed by arthritis and hip and knee replacements, but she still wants to help others less fortunate.The retired Witmer postmaster found her niche crocheting for children at Pine Ridge Indian Reservation."Shortly after I married, I had a temporary job and saw an......
2009-07-08 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Saturday was the Fourth of July, the day we celebrate American independence and the deeds of such patriots as George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson and Mel Gibson.Their great accomplishments occurred in Colonial times, when Pittsburgh was the western frontier and few towns......
2009-07-01 00:29:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
It has been a strange week here at Lancaster Newspapers with the merger of the Intelligencer Journal and the Lancaster New Era.For New Era subscribers, it probably has been a major change.You might be used to coming home from work and finding your newspaper wherever it landed, possi......
2009-06-24 00:04:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Unless you just awoke from a coma, you recall that last week President Barack Obama killed a fly while taping a TV interview.The fly was buzzing around Obama's head, prompting the interviewer to say he had never seen such a persistent fly. This was a clear indication that the interview......
2009-06-17 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
This summer I've taken to wearing colorful Hawaiian-style shirts. That is to say, my wife likes colorful Hawaiian-style shirts and thought I might look good in them and has bought me several.Buying clothes they feel men would enjoy wearing is just something women do. It's part of t......
2009-06-10 00:31:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I just checked the Weather Channel on TV. I wanted to make sure hell hadn't frozen over.The reason I suspected this might have occurred is that I find myself agreeing with a letter to the editor written by fellow Ephratian Anna Mae Ressler. I know Anna Mae and, politically, we don'......
2009-06-03 01:21:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I recently drove by a pond and saw some kids fishing, and I was sort of amazed.It caused me to wonder: How many kids still fish these days?I'm sure there are computer games in which one can "travel" to a virtual lake. You can engage in a lengthy "fight" with ......
2009-05-29 01:06:00
STAFF REPORT
An editor, reporters and a photographer whose work appeared in the Intelligencer Journal in 2008 captured prizes in statewide journalism contests.Awards in a contest sponsored by Pennsylvania Associated Press Managing Editors will be presented tonight.Keystone Press Awards from the ......
2009-05-27 01:31:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I'm glad my daughter isn't a child anymore, for how would I tell Sarah that Santa Claus has died.I'm not talking about the jolly old elf at the North Pole with the flying reindeer, the guy who leaves gifts under our Christmas trees and gobbled down milk and cookies until the he......
2009-05-20 01:16:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Mankind will never be perfect because it is so arbitrary, unlike nature. When nature says something like, "Never spit into the wind," it means it. Whereas mankind will reply, "Yeah, but what if … ."Nature is absolute and irrefutable, a good example being it's......
2009-05-13 01:21:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
What's happening to Lancaster County?First we had "unrepentant terrorist" William Ayers at Millersville University spreading his radical philosophies on how to improve inner city schools.Then Richard Wolff, a professor of economics at the University of Massachusetts Am......
2009-05-06 01:35:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Imagine this.You're in the White House military office, and it's decided that you have about $300,000 to spare.Who knows where it came from. Maybe it came from the Pentagon budget, or maybe from some government finance committee. Or maybe it was found between the sofa cushio......
2009-04-29 00:41:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Don't ever accuse me of not listening to readers.It's been suggested that I run a new photo with this column, so here it is.Taken when I was in first grade, it is significant in that it marks my initial step into rebelliousness, which eventually led to my complete corruption......
2009-04-22 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
We delay the start of this week's column to bring you this important and extremely self-serving commercial.In case you want a signed copy of my new book, "Shadows In the Jungle," I will be at the Borders Bookstore across from Park City Center on Saturday starting at 2 p.m. Br......
2009-04-15 01:23:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Recently, I wrote a column about state symbols and how our elected officials — who seem to take forever to accomplish most things — can swiftly agree to make the Slinky the state toy.In the column, I referred to our legislators as "yahoos," which offended reader Ken B......
2009-04-08 01:21:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
When will Millersville University ever learn?First it invited William Ayers — a 1960s radical who showed his opposition to U.S. policies by bombing government buildings, and who is, incidentally, unrepentant — to speak on campus.Now, thanks to an alert reader, I understa......
2009-04-01 01:44:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I don't know how you feel, but I sympathize with Marie Douglas-David, the 36-year-old Swedish countess who's divorcing her wealthy husband, some cheapskate who is offering her a mere $43 million as they part ways.She has claimed $53,000 in weekly living expenses and is seeking $99 ......
2009-03-25 00:02:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Sometimes I fret over what we at the newspaper deem newsworthy. And I don't just mean now, but in the past as well.For example, a big hoopla was made over Bill Ayers speaking at Millersville University because, decades ago, he was a radical.But we don't cover every radical w......
2009-03-18 01:43:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Did you ever host a party and worry that no one would show up, leaving you all alone and wearing a stupid paper hat? I find myself in that situation. Minus the hat.I'm not hosting a party in the traditional sense. There won't be finger food, such as heavily processed chunks of some......
2009-03-11 01:21:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
For those of you who believe your elected representatives in Harrisburg are a bunch of yahoos who do nothing all day except think up annoying new laws or decide who can and cannot speak in public, and really don't earn their pay, think again.They are, in fact, a bunch of yahoos who are......
2009-03-04 02:32:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Today we continue our look back at 2008.Best-suited?In politics, John McCain won the GOP presidential nomination with his slogan, "I'm an old white guy in a suit."After accepting the endorsement, he retired to his hotel and took a power......
2009-02-25 01:26:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Before we delve into recent news items, I want to acknowledge the folks who commented on last week's column. The piece was about Republicans in Congress — let's call them No-it-Alls — who would vote down anything President Barack Obama suggests, even a bill officially naming t......
2009-02-18 00:46:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
If you're a Marx Brothers fan like I am and have noticed how the Republicans in Washington react to anything President Barack Obama proposes, you've probably said to yourself, "Hey! I've seen this movie before!"The movie, of course, is "Horse Feathers," in w......
2009-02-11 01:34:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Tomorrow would be Abraham Lincoln's 200th birthday, and you know what that means: If he was not dead, he'd be eligible to run on the GOP ticket in 2012.Seriously, Lincoln's birthday is a big deal. More than 1,000 cards have arrived at Illinois' Old State Capitol in the past......
2009-02-04 00:59:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Today, we continue our month-by-month reflection on 2008 with a look at February.February 2008 brought us Groundhog Day, that special day each year when people watch a flea-infested rodent crawl out of its lair, see its shadow (or not) and somehow — scientists are still trying to fig......
2009-01-28 01:22:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Because I'm an American who writes books and gets periodic royalty checks, each year I must pay self-employment taxes that are, it seems, equal to the national debt (1 jillion dollars).Had I failed to pay those taxes for, say, three years, I might have met the criteria to be President ......
2009-01-21 01:07:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
On May 10, 2000, then-presidential candidate George W. Bush said, "I think we can agree, the past is over."That astute observation was never more true than on Tuesday, when the Bush presidency officially ended and the Obama administration began.It seems America has turned ......
2009-01-14 01:52:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
It snowed Saturday, giving my wife and me an opportunity to sit in our cozy easy chairs and watch our favorite winter snow movie, "The Thing."OK, so it's not Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye, but in my opinion it's the best science-fiction movie ever made. (I can hear millions ......
2009-01-07 00:55:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
As part of my never-ceasing desire to find newer and wordier ways to eat up newspaper space without having to produce anything of lasting importance, I have decided to add a new feature to my column.Starting this month, and for once a month hereafter, I will take a look back at the same mo......
2008-12-31 01:32:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I had made a New Year's resolution to stop whining about how modern technology takes the fun out of being a kid today.Then I read about the new Cloud 9 wagon from Radio Flyer.Do you remember the Radio Flyer wagon? If you were like me, you probably even had one. They were red and......
2008-12-24 01:00:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
We're happy to have with us today the one and only Santa Claus, who despite his hectic schedule has agreed to an interview.Q: Hello, Santa. Thanks for stopping by.A: Glad to do it. After all, you've been a good boy this year. Although there ......
2008-12-17 01:52:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
My daughter thinks our Christmas tree is tacky.It's artificial and stands about 3 feet tall. It has green branches, plus a few silver ones that contain fiber-optic strands that light up and change colors thanks to a rotating color wheel in the base.OK. Maybe Sarah's correct.......
2008-12-10 01:25:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
On Monday, Manheim Township commissioners approved a plan that could pave the way for the widening of Fruitville Pike and the construction of (drumroll!) another shopping center.I cover Manheim Township and have reported on the project, so I don't want to comment too much.Howeve......
2008-12-03 01:45:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Wrapping up my series on my trip to Europe with World War II "Band of Brothers" veteran Forrest Guth, I think that, history aside, what impressed me most about Europe was that it contains unicorns.Not really. But it does contain something almost as rare; courteous truck drivers....
2008-11-26 01:16:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Today we pick up where we left off last week.I recently returned from touring World War II battlefields in Europe, which I visited in preparation for writing a book titled "In the Footsteps of the Band of Brothers." The book will be a memoir/travelogue, which is why I to......
2008-11-19 00:01:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I just returned from two weeks overseas, and the one question people keep asking me is, "How did you find Europe?"Actually, I let the airplane pilot find Europe (I suspect he took off from Philadelphia International Airport and turned left).The purpose of my trip was ......
2008-11-12 01:44:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
You often hear parents discussing the tall tales their kids tell them.You know what I mean: "I walked into the room and found the walls covered with paintings of creatures that could either be cows or space aliens, and my kid's hands are dripping the colors of the rainbow as h......
2008-11-05 00:15:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I was sitting in my car at a minimart, grabbing a bite of lunch and taking in the scenery, which in this particular instance was a stack of red plastic milk cases.Did you ever really look at one of those things? Did you notice the warning printed on them that points out the punishments for......
2008-10-29 01:37:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Well, Sarah's wedding day is over.The day her mother and I planned for, agonized over and, yes, paid for, came and went in a flurry of emotions, joy and tears.Some of the blubbering was from me because, like an idiot, I requested the disc jockey play "When You Wish Upon a S......
2008-10-22 02:06:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I'm getting ready for the big party.No, I don't mean the celebration we will have when Barack Obama thrashes John McCain on Election Day. Heck, I won't even be here to crack open the champagne for that one — I hope to be scooping up a keepsake bottle of sand on Omaha Beac......
2008-10-15 01:25:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I was channel surfing the other day, and, boy, was that a mistake.Whatever happened to interesting television shows that had such innovations as characters and plots?One of the worst shows I came across — and believe me, I had plenty to choose from — was "Paris Hilt......
2008-10-08 02:34:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
If the campaign posters polluting our landscape and the empty promises polluting our airwaves didn't clue you in, I have news for you: It's Election Time.Even though I'm a registered Democrat — for many Lancaster County residents, that's on par with being a registered......
2008-10-01 01:58:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
They say you can't go home again, and that's true. At least, not to stay. But sometimes you can visit, and that's what I did over the weekend.It was the 40-year reunion of Ephrata High School's Class of 1968, which, of the 186 known class members out of 207 who are still li......
2008-09-24 01:24:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
I know folks who are still waiting to share in that prosperity Anne Beiler talked about.Beiler, of Auntie Anne's soft pretzel fame, recently addressed the Republican National Convention, where she spoke of "prosperity" in America that has "made us a shining star for othe......
2008-09-17 01:45:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Boy, did I get my comeuppance.A reader, upset by my column about vice presidential selections, accused me of denigrating the people of Alaska. This got my attention, and I immediately ran to our library, where I ripped open a......
2008-09-10 01:36:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Leadership. That's the word on the tip of everyone's tongue this election season.Who is most qualified to lead this country? What will the next four — or eight years — bring? Where is this country headed economically, morally and socially? Will the Phillies re-sign Pat ......
2008-09-03 01:46:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
OK, I give up. What happened to the real John McCain?I'm convinced Democrats, hoping to sabotage the GOP presidential campaign, kidnapped McCain and replaced him with a lunatic clone. That's the only reason, as far as I can tell, for McCain choosing Sarah Palin as his vice presiden......
2008-08-27 01:29:00
LARRY ALEXANDER
Before they died, our Founding Fathers saddled us with the requirement that we hold a presidential election every fourth year, preceded by three years of campaigning.Currently, the Democrats are holding their nominating convention in Denver, Colo., after which the Republicans will hold the......
