When one discovers her partner is amusing himself with pornography, she is often afraid to reach out for help.
"They have a hard time telling someone about it, so the woman is isolated," said Carol Emerson, a licensed clinical social worker with Samaritan Counseling Center.
The wife, she said, is often ashamed of her spouse's behavior, and fears what others will think.
"It wasn't your problem, but it became your problem because you're talking about someone you love," Emerson said.
"The most important thing, I think," said Lancaster psychologist Susan Atkins, "is that taking someone else's behavior personally is a real-bad place to go."
While Emerson and Atkins say that moving on from the betrayal is a complicated and individual process, in general, there are some steps that can aid in the process.
The following are suggestions compiled from interviews with Emerson and Atkins, as well as therapists from CrossRoads Counseling Services in Leola.
•If your spouse is willing, seek couples counseling. If not, get individual therapy for yourself.
When choosing a counselor, ask: "How comfortable are you, and what's your knowledge-base of working with a spouse of someone with a sexual addiction?" If the therapist is not experienced in this area, ask if she or he can refer you to someone qualified.
•Find a support group for partners of sex addicts. Educate yourself about what's entailed in your own recovery process.
•Get out of isolation. The sense of betrayal might have caused "a fracture of the relationship or in one's sense of self," said Emerson. Getting validation from others can aid in healing the wound. In addition to therapy and a support group, reach out to trustworthy friends, family or clergy.
•Don't compare yourself to the erotic images.
•Don't blame yourself.
•Don't try to fix your spouse. You can neither make his choices for him, be his accountability partner nor police his every move.
•Don't rush the healing process. Often wives will be driven to "do a whole lot to try and fix this right away; but they can't," Emerson said.
Instead, be patient with the recovery process and discuss it in therapy. You might cycle through emotions such as betrayal, anger, grief and fear before you can put the situation behind you for good.
•Forgive. A relationship in recovery can never succeed if you don't eventually forgive your partner. And even when a relationship ends, ultimately you must forgive to find closure and move on.
Jeannette Scott is a Sunday News staff writer. Contact her at jscott@lnpnews.com or at 291-8689.
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