Daniel J. Pezzulo, an adolescent
psychologist, says parents should
strive to play a very important r
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Editor's note: The mother featured in this story chose to be identified as "Gloria," which is not her real name.Gone are the days when the most likely scenario of a teenager's exposure to pornography was sneaking a peek at dad's Playboy magazine collection hidden under the mattress.
Today, the Internet has brought X-rated material out of the bedroom closet and into the living room, classroom and even the workplace.
No more looking over the shoulder before entering the adult book shop. No more ducking into the back room of the movie rental store.
You can surf for smut from your laptop, iPod or cable menu; snap shots with your cell phone, then text them to friends; even post or view videos on
YouTube.
And teens are adept at navigating the cyber world that makes it all possible.
"With the Internet and the technological advances we have, the availability of pornography and the addictive potential is at an all-time high," said Daniel J. Pezzulo, an adolescent psychologist with Behavioral Healthcare Consultants and Warwick School District.
It's important to provide healthy information about sex and relationships to kids, particularly to children ages 9 to11, he said.
A teen not consistently educated by parents about what's normal and healthy in relationships is likely to use the Internet as a frame of reference, Pezzulo said. And that often involves erotica.
"Think about how many clothed comparisons we do. Look at your magazines, your TV," Pezzulo said. "Now, let's add the Internet. ... In a matter of clicks you can see, hear. It's moving.
"... This is how you can get messed up in dating and selection of marriages," he said.
One resulting practice, Pezzulo said, that is popular with teenagers right now is the so-called "friends with benefits" — casual buddy-sex with no romantic feelings.
Another, Pezzulo observes, is obligatory sex. "I can't tell you the number of teenagers that believe that because a guy pays for the movie he's entitled to something," he said.
Sometimes an adolescent acting out on beliefs formed by porn-gazing leads to criminal charges.
An Associated Press story dated June 5, for example, reported that some teens snap their own erotic photos with their cell phones, send them to friends and even post them on the Web.
"They've got to realize that a sexually graphic photo of anyone under the age of 18 is distributing child pornography," which is a felony, said Nils Frederiksen, spokesman for the state district attorney's office.
Sometimes, teens misguided by pornography do more than e-mail pictures to peers.
Just months after his first look at an adult magazine, Gloria's seventh-grade son was arrested and expelled from school for cornering a fellow student in the hallway and assaulting her.
"He put his hand up her skirt and pinched her butt," Gloria said.
His warped ideas didn't come from the Internet, she recounted, but from her.
Before the incident, Gloria's son nagged her relentlessly to allow his girlfriend to spend the night.
On his 13th birthday — partly in a smart-aleck attempt at humor — she walked into his bedroom and tossed a soft-porn magazine on his bed.
" 'Son, this is the closest thing you will ever get to having a naked woman under the same roof as your mother,' " she said she told him.
"I was five-and-a-half months out from my husband leaving. My son was so angry. I was trying to be the friend," she said.
"It's hard to say what I was thinking. I was numb, a mess," said Gloria. "That point of my life was almost a blur."
Gloria's outlook and lifestyle have changed dramatically since then, which she attributes to a conversion to Christianity. Today, with tears, she said, "I'm mortified that I sent the wrong message to my son."
Even teens not seeking out sexually explicit material are frequently exposed to it, and also to predators.
Thirty-four percent of children ages 10 to 17 have had unwanted exposure to pictures of naked people or people having sex, according to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children's Web site (
www.missingkids.com).
Four percent have received an aggressive sexual solicitation: a request to meet, a phone call, or off-line mail, money or gifts.
Only about a fourth of those exposed to unwanted material told a parent or guardian. Even when the children found the event distressing, less than half — 42 percent — told a parent or guardian. Which is why parents must initiate conversations about both sexuality and the Internet, Pezzulo said.
The state attorney general's Child Predator Unit posts agents online posing as children in chat rooms. As of newspaper deadline, the agency had arrested 149 people, including several from Lancaster County, since 2005.
"For the predators that we've seen, the age group most at risk is 11 to 15," said Frederiksen. "It's an age when they're exploring; they're starting to stay home alone; their friends are starting
MySpace and
Facebook pages.
"They're old enough to do many things, but not old enough to be cynical about things," he said.
Frederiksen agrees that the best first defense is parents maintaining good communication about these matters with their kids.
But most kids won't tell a parent about unwanted material or solicitations because they fear they will lose Internet privileges.
If they do speak up, Pezzulo advises, "Don't attack privileges."
And communicating doesn't mean a one-time lecture, he said. It's ongoing, age-appropriate chats throughout their development.
"I don't think 'just say no' works. We can't scare it out of them, or threaten them," said Pezzulo.
"You teach them: Look, here is what God says about sexuality; here's what mom and dad say," he said. "And, then: There are lots of unhealthy people who say this."
Parents should ask questions, and pay attention to who their kids are talking, texting or chatting with, he advised.
To do so, it's imperative that parents learn their way around the high-speed, i-Everything world their kids call home.
"It's tough to keep up with them technologically," said Pezzulo. "But they don't have the life experience."
In addition to conversation, parents can provide a healthy perspective of sexuality by example.
"What we do and what we say can increase or decrease the likelihood [of a teen accessing pornography]," Pezzulo said. "But independent of all of that is human self-will. As parents, we don't cause it, but we contribute to it."
In spite of everything, he said, there are no guarantees.
"We have to shatter the belief that it's not my child, that it's someone else," he said. "It affects any kind of household."
Jeannette Scott is a Sunday News staff writer. Contact her at jscott@lnpnews.com or at 291-8689.
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