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What this country needs is a regular toothbrush.
Enough with the big, fat handles already! The darn things don't fit in the bathroom holder.
Sen. Obama? Gov. Palin? Are you listening?
You might think you have to talk about the implosion of financial markets, Russian aggression or lipstick on pigs.
But voters also are hungry for leadership on the things that annoy the heck out of them.
For example, while the Bush administration has been looking the other way, the toothbrush cartel has been blithely churning out obese toothbrushes and — there's method to their madness — charging $2.99 apiece for them.
It's outrageous. Hard-working Americans shouldn't have to sit around the kitchen table figuring out how to stretch their paychecks to pay the toothbrush bill.
America wants change. We want a cheap, durable toothbrush we can put in the doggone holder.
Besides, it'll be better for the environment if we don't use so much plastic.Sticky situation
Speaking of plastic, what is it with plastic wrap? If we can put a man on the moon, why can't we make plastic wrap that doesn't cling to itself?
Candidates, are you hearing me?
Americans, or more specifically American men, waste more time trying to use plastic wrap than they do trying to find their destinations without asking for directions.
I should be able to (1) find where the plastic wrap roll starts in less time than it takes to make fire by rubbing sticks together, (2) pull some plastic wrap from the box without the roll slipping out and falling on the floor and (3) rip a length off the roll without the sheet folding in on itself and sucking tighter than a wood tick.
I really should be able to do those things. I do have a college education.
I should be able to avoid having the plastic wrap crinkle up into a translucent wad that's not good for anything except throwing at my teenager when he asks me to hurry up and cover the pan of leftover lasagna because he wants me to take him and his pals to the skate park.
Boy, I can't wait until he and his friends can drive.
(454)Wait, I take that back. I can definitely wait until he and his pals can drive. The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety got it exactly right this month in calling on states to raise the driving age to 17 or even 18.
For one thing, if impulsive, easily distracted teens have to wait longer before getting behind the wheel and scaring the bejesus out of other drivers, more of them will live another day to annoy their parents.
Disturbing the peace
For another thing (and considering that I flip out over the cost of fat toothbrushes), I might not survive the palpitations I'd suffer if my insurance agent quoted me the cost to cover a teenage driver.
Candidates, as 16-year-olds can't vote anyway, I say grab this issue and run with it.
And I'm not done yet. Have you stood in a grocery checkout line lately? If the express lane says "12 items or less," it doesn't mean "12 items or less — and we'll overlook 27 cans of Alpo."
There also ought to be a law against car alarms. They're louder and more annoying — OK, they're louder and just as annoying — as a group of teenage girls meeting up with a group of teenage boys.
And what's with cell phone swindlers? I mean cell phone companies. If phones were meant to play cutesy ring tones or inane games, Alexander Graham Bell would have said so. Stop charging me for things I didn't order! My kids swear they didn't order them, either.
One final word: robocalls. Nothing annoys me more than finding out I just said "hello" to a robot.
OK, that's my advice. You can go back to attacking each other. I've got a pan of lasagna to cover.
E-mail: jhawkes@lnpnews.com
