Single file

Actress Greta Garbo immortalized the words 'I want to be alone,' in the movies, and in real life lived as one of history’s most famous singles. Today, she would have plenty of company. With some 92 million unmarried Americans, singles are hardly solo. Some are, indeed, happy to be alone; others still await that special someone. We asked folks for their thoughts.

Sunday News

Published: Sep 21, 2008
00:04 EST

Lancaster

By STEPHEN KOPFINGER, Staff

In the movie classic "Grand Hotel," Greta Garbo intoned her most famous line: "I vant to be alone."

Whether the screen legend felt that way in real life is debatable — "I want to be left alone," the never-married Garbo once clarified — but her movie mantra has sometimes been cited as a slogan for the single life.

Singles, however, are definitely not alone in our society.

With the number of unmarried Americans estimated at 92 million, singles have plenty of company.

The U.S. Census Bureau even recognizes the fact in the upcoming Unmarried and Single Americans Week, which starts today.

But what determines why you're single, and how do you feel about it? Do you yearn to be married or, like Garbo, "vant to be alone?"

Do others respect your independence, or are you the perpetual target of matchmakers?

We asked area singles to respond; we heard from the divorced, widows and widowers, and those who have never been married.

Many expressed missing spouses who have passed on, or the empty feelings that can follow in the wake of divorce. But many of these same people said they are doing just fine. And some hold out hope that "the one" will come along.

Below are responses from local singles, edited for style, space and grammar. The first two entries are from sisters Loyda Perez, 39, and Enid Perales, 43, both of Lancaster:

•As a single mother of two, I would say that although I've been seeking ... freedom for so long and now I'm experiencing it, it's kind of bittersweet.

The reason is that after exiting a relationship of 21 years and being used to such company, it's very hard to be alone.

Finding the right person ... it's not easy. Too many story-tellers, not enough promise-keepers. Are there any good men left in this world?

— Loyda Perez

•As a divorced American, I'll have to say that it's been the most freedom I've had, but it hasn't come without a high price — the loneliest of lives.

I've enjoyed my freedom, but it's been a lonely road because everybody needs somebody ... [I'd] like to get married, not to the perfect mate, but at least to someone who will keep me company for the rest of my life. ...

I need a person who will be there with me in the good times but in the bad times, too. [Especially] in the bad. Someone who will laugh when I laugh, cry when I cry, etc.

— Enid Perales

Two guys weigh in
•I'm divorced a bit over three years now after being married for nearly 26. At first, I thought I needed to be married, that we're all supposed to be married.

Over time, I realized how wonderful being single is. I have no children or pets to contend with; so my life is for me and my career.

If I feel like doing something, I do it. It's like being an irresponsible teenager again, but with a bunch more wisdom and a direction. It's the best of both worlds.

The two best things about living alone is:

1. If you don't eat all the sticky buns, they'll still be there tomorrow and,

2. If you don't eat all the sticky buns, they'll go stale, so you have to eat them!

— Lenny Casper, 47, Lititz

•In no particular order, here are 10 (from hundreds of) reasons why the single life is worth pursuing:

1. You can leave the seat up.

2. The chore list is MINE.

3. Go to bed when I want to.

4. I can load the dishwasher my way.

5. Uninterrupted reading, bathroom or elsewhere.

6. Aerobic shopping.

7. It's my TV.

8. Stress relief on my terms.

9. The workbench IS a workbench.

10. I really know where things are — at least most of the time.

— Andrew H. Appel, 61, Pequea

•I have been single my entire 48 years. ... I didn't plan it that way. I had the all-American dream of marriage, kids, a home and a career. It just didn't happen for me.

However, I still have hope that I will find my soul mate, my husband before I leave this earth.

Being single has its downsides. … I have to do all the inside and outside chores around my home. This isn't easy after a five-day work-week that often includes 14- to 16-hour days. ...

If you let it, being single can be lonely, but, I've heard that marriage can be also.

Imagine my surprise when, a few years ago, I told my pastor that I envy the married women of the church and his response to me was, "Carla, let me tell you: Some of those women envy you."

Singlehood has its positive sides, too. ... I have family, friends, co-workers and pets that I love and am loved by.

— Carla Horn, New Providence

•My marriage ended long ago and I've lived a single life with many challenges and rewards.

Do [I] yearn to be married or, like Greta Garbo, "vant to be alone"? Married ... Never been matchmade by friends or family.

[Am I] raising a child alone, or is a pet [my] "baby"? My son is an adult and turned out to be a fine young man I am proud of. Although single, I am fortunate to have a home, decent health, family and friends.

Being single has its challenges and rewards but can be lonely, expecially during the holidays. As a single woman, I have done things that most married women would not have done. As I get older, I would like to be married, to find my best friend to spend my golden years with. It isn't easy meeting singles my age.

— Kathleen Harrison, 48, Lancaster

•No regrets. So many divorces in my family ...

[Too many women] are controlling, moody and pushy. ... I had no desire to have children. However, I was a father figure to my sister's children for many years. … No one has ever tried "setting me up." I would have not allowed it. I didn't want to even hear the word "marriage."

— Terry L. Mentzer, 61, Lancaster

•I am a widow and do not like the single life and living alone. I would prefer marriage to being single. Having a checkbook to myself is no honor for me.

My children are grown and my pet Pomeranian is my "baby." To me, having a partner to share the ups and downs — or whatever may transpire — gives one a feeling of fulfillment, love and self-worth. I am single — not by choice — but hoping for, as they say, for "Mr. Right."

— Janice Vanderslice, 70, Honey Brook, Chester County

•SWF, 50, kids gone, must carry on. Hopeless romantic seeking gentleman of untold charm. Must overlook worn hands, wrinkled face, college debt, eclectic personality and home furnishings. … Tired of perfumed bubble baths … MUST have order as I am a recovering stress and chaos addict. Have lived with one ideal: "Dreams/Don't give up on them/Just give them over to God/Let him do the rest." … Must be willing to go into debt for pet. Please call …

— Lisa Neff, Lititz

•I hate the weekends! Why? Because that is the time for couples/family to be together. I have none!

My love died three years ago. How to fill your time? Volunteer, part-time job, etc.? Women become, [at] a certain age, a gang of "recycled teenagers" — gals who run around with other singles, widows, divorcees and try to get on with life. A lonely existence.

— Name withheld because "family does not know my true feelings," Landisville

•Scammers come in many disguises.

— Name also withheld, Lititz widow, 82

•I am a 31-year-old single gal. I live alone with a cat, whom I adore but is not my "child," just good company. There are so many wonderful things about being single. I can do what I want, when I want. Watch the movies I want, like a sappy romantic movie, and I can cry all I want and no one pokes fun. I can eat what I want when I want. All in all, it's a pretty good life.

My family respects my independence and has not really tried to set me up. ... I do have one other small issue that I feel is a reason I am single but I think it's just my perception. I was born with spina bifida, which is a birth defect, in which the spine fails to close properly and which affects me in various ways.

— Katrina Stirn, Lancaster

A new start
•I am single because I was divorced ... I was lucky I got out ... I have had a few really good relationships with wonderful men. Get married again? My mom always said, "Never say never!" I really don't know if I will or not.

I truly love being independent, but I also love cooking, baking, caring for others. Lonely?? Sometimes, but some people, married or not, can be with 100 people and still be lonely!

God has taken very good care of me; what he has in store for me , I do not know.

As for now, I love every minute of my life!

— Linda J. Dombach, 61, Lancaster

•I am a 64-year-old widow. I have been a widow since 2001. At first, I really minded being alone, but no more! If I don't feel like cooking, I don't. I go shopping and buy what I want [without] feeling guilty. But at times I really miss the companionship.

I like my lifestyle … I don't have to answer to anyone.

— Being single and liking it! Jenny Caley, Bainbridge

• Being single was a forced choice for me because I lost my best friend and husband after 30 years of marriage. … Currently, I am a retired and "rewired" almost-68-year-old female educator passionately involved in a weekly schedule, which leaves little time for self-pity. No, my married friends would not understand the life of a widow because they have not lost a spouse. There is no one to "tag team" the workload of home upkeep, and all that it involves; to bounce ideas about decisions that have to be made; to advise on things one knows nothing about; to calm fears as one ages and anything else that partners do for one another. The peace of a quiet household, while comforting, can be deafening at times. …On a lighter note, my most difficult task, currently, is to find a [friend] … who enjoys Penn State football and those early morning trips to University Park as much as I do!

— Dr. Rebecca H. Meyer, Lancaster

•The single life is a single (queen) bed of alone.

Singlehood allows independence to do things without waiting on another's schedule.

But, to wait for someone is NOT so bad, I think.

I yearn to be married or, at least, not totally single, but am realistic.

Will that be? Is it in my cards? I'll wait and see …

— Lorraine Korber, 50, Stevens

•Life can be fulfilling by donating your time and effort to volunteering — there are so many places to give your time, money and effort. Live every day like it's your last, trusting in your heavenly father.

— Mae Sookiasian, 82, Manheim

'Hanging in'
•I'm a widow — alone, but not lonely. I lost my husband to a heart attack; he was 70. I lost my only sister … four years ago; I lost my son, age 50, three years ago to brain cancer …

One finds that, through pain and loss, you gain strength and realize that God has a plan for you and you just accept his decisions for you, good or bad.

... I thank God for my family and good health. I am lucky and blessed, in spite of all my losses.

— "Hanging in There," Diane Martin, 80, Lititz

•I'm single, no kids and have never been married. I like being single. Might get married some day; have not met the right person.

People respect my independence, but cannot believe I can do my own laundry, shop and cook for myself ...

I smoke and drink. I rarely have [an] unspoken thought, good or bad.

I have [an] issue with dating women who have young children and [are] divorced. It is called "the doctrine of unintended consequences."

— Marc Robert Vickers, 36, Silver Springs

•I am a 46-year-old woman who has been single my whole life, never married. I do have a 20-year-old son whom I raised on my own with no child support. ... Raising my son on my own was not easy, but I am very proud of myself. ... I am a very independent person ... but I would love to find that special someone. I am a very old-fashioned person and take relationships and even dating very seriously. ...

So if I would find my "Prince Charming," yes, I would love to be married. But, I am so particular that I do not think there is a man out there for me. My mother always told me: "Do not settle for second best." So being independent is not that bad.

— Stephanie Hoffmaster, Columbia

•I always say "single again." Divorced over 10 years now; 16 years in a [bad] relationship and four children later. Time to wake up and smell the strong coffee. Life moves on ... At this point, [I'm] not thinking of getting married again. I don't even date. ... I found out most men are either looking for someone to take care of them, or they are selfish. And [I've] dated too many men with no teeth ... I figure if they don't care about themselves they aren't going to care about me. ...

I listen to friends who tell me about their husbands and it reminds me why I am single. ... I [have] a dog, my companion. He is always happy to see me. Never complains ... I introduce him as my better half ...

Life is not always easy. But I sure would rather be alone and happy than with someone and miserable. And the tough times pass. Then it's all good again.

— Donna M. Weik, Manheim

•"Single and over 60 years old." Who could project this would be my lifestyle, but it is, and truly has rewards … especially after a marriage (or two) full of compromises and controls.

Here are a few [reasons] — lemonades made from the lemons of aloneness!

1. Not having dinner at any special time; eating when and if you want to. Having a craving of a half of a cantaloupe at 8 p.m., and thoroughly enjoying it. ALONE.

2. The dogs of my life now sleep either on the bed, under the bed, in the hall near my bed or anywhere they choose!

3. The TV remote control is completely in my CONTROL. No baseball, no football, just good movies and the news. …

4. Buying a piece of furniture or decor for my home that I find most appealing, not what HE would choose.

I do miss marriage, or at least a serious love-affair, but am I unhappy??? No, I do not qualify. I have children, grandchildren and, of course, the dogs. Perhaps, if a canine-loving Paul Newman-type comes into my life, we shall see ...

— Carole V. Herr, 63, Lititz

• The final word comes from Suzanne Long, 57, editor of Lancaster County magazine:

I was recently watching an episode of "Sex in the City" and Miranda was in a snit. She had to fill out her "in case of emergency" card at work, which, in her opinion, puts the fact that she's single in black and white.

A few days later, I had to fill out such a card. Panic set in. Whose names would I put on my card? … I decided I'd put my sister's name down in the No. 2 spot. But, who would be my go-to girl?

…Then, I thought of my friend, Kathy Wagner. It seems as if Kathy is the "in case of emergency" person for everyone in her family— even the married ones. She was very agreeable to being mine, as well.

[Recently] Kathy and I sat and watched Barack Obama's acceptance speech. As we drank our martinis and munched on Cheez Doodles, we paid rapt attention to Obama's speech. Kathy's assessment was succinct. "He's promised everything but getting us a date," she said. "If he could do that, I'd vote for him!"


And here are more thoughts on the single life ...
•I am a 49-year-old widow, raising two children, ages 10 and 18.

I think that others see me as independent, as I have been a widow for 4½ years. I enjoyed being married, but I am not yearning to get remarried. I am used to being alone and independent. … Sometimes I do miss adult conversation and interaction as I am busy running around the house, working and taking care of the children.

The oldest is a boy, [who is] independent, but my youngest child … still needs a fair amount of parenting and attention. … At those times, it would be great to have a husband.

All in all, I believe I am doing well. I have a lot of joy and faith in my life!

— Karen Brenneman, Lancaster

•I have been a widow for three years … I liken it to being an only child but without parents. You can do whatever you choose but at the end of the day you alone are totally responsible for all decisions made, whether they are favorable or unfavorable.

— Edna B. Purcell, 60, Lancaster

•Being single? I love it!

I feel I can do what I want to do, when I want to do it ... volunteer, travel, garden, mow, attend meetings, visit and/or eat out with friends ... Some evenings, I can actually relax with "my baby," Ginger, my cat.

I don't feel a husband could fit into this schedule!

— Pat Cooper, 77, Leola

•I'M SINGLE AND LOVING IT!!!

I really have the best of all worlds:  I have lots of friends to spend time with ... and they frequently try to "fix me up".  I don't mind; I get the chance to meet lots of new and interesting people. …

As far as living alone, it's GREAT!! I deal with the public every day, and nothing is more wonderful than to come home at night, walk into a nice quiet home, and enjoy the palace that I've built for myself.  The sound of silence can be quite addictive. … I wouldn't change anything for the world!!

— Rick Banzhoff, 60,  Lancaster

•I am 57 and divorced since 1991. I have had a few relationships with the opposite sex. My children are grown, and I can do as I please. It is not easy financially, but I do all right. My bills and my money are mine alone, to do with as I choose. I can cook and clean if I choose. I can easily be with friends and family, but I am content to be by myself. Life is good.  

— Linda Sarley, Lancaster

•Thanks for identifying our single lives. Three years ago my wife passed away. One year later, after dealing with my grief  and loneliness, I started a Singles Social Club through my church — Our Mother of Perpetual Help  in Ephrata. We continue to have many weekly activities ...  We have over 150 members from all over Lancaster County and even some from Lebanon and Reading areas. We try to network with other singles groups and continue to grow in membership.

— Steve Miller, 55, Ephrata

•I am 57 and have been widowed for five years. My husband died of cancer in 2002 at the age of 53. Oddly, my mother died at the age of 53, 25 years ago. …

My husband was diagnosed with cancer nine  months before his death. We had time to say goodbye. I had a full-time job and family and friends who were there for me. They were my comfort. My "girl" friends were nurturing and there was always a shoulder to cry on. …

Having raised two children, looking for a partner at this time in my life is quite different than the first time around. … I miss being married but I don't have to have a spouse to be happy. My preference would be to find someone to share my day with, have a quiet dinner, and especially to help me with yard work in the summer! I miss the lazy evenings where, even though we might be doing something different, there is another body puttering around the house. … I am still single and not seeing anyone. I'm working; so I'm not bored with life and have more to do than time allows, during the day. But, I do hope that one day, I'll meet someone who will make those quiet evenings a little less quiet.

— Jeannine May, Manheim

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Stephen Kopfinger is a Sunday News staff writer. Contact him at skopfinger@lnpnews.com or at 291-8799.